Well, after swearing up on side and down the other that i would NEVER do IVF.....i'm doing IVF.
After a lot of talking, crunching numbers and praying we decided that IVF would be the best way for us to try for baby #2. After talking to our agency and realizing that we had to start everything all over (paperwork, fingerprints, writing checks) even though they never placed us with a baby - we were annoyed and frustrated. Aside from the fact that financially we just don't have another 25,000 dollars to adopt again right now. Sure we could pull savings and cash in some stuff but after calling our insurance and realizing that IVF at John's hospital would be pretty much free - we just couldn't risk draining our savings, especially in these economic times.
I feel like i made the decision and hoped on the train blindly. It does seem like a different ride this time though. We have Jack, and he is amazing, so the pressure of that crushing desire to have baby is a bit dissipated. We want Jack to have a sibling, and we want another child, but if it takes a while or doesn't happen through IVF, we will adopt again. We at least had to give this a chance.
So - after a morning of meetings, blood test and some measuring of my uterus which sent me to the ceiling- with the Doctor asking "are you ok?" Well....it feels like you jammed your stick through my uterus so it's a good thing you are measuring it for future reference. We are ready to go. We have decided for the time being to have SET (single embryo transfer) - unless there are some other circumstances once we have a retrieval that would point us to transferring two. I do not want twins. At all. Of that i am sure, so if it takes a few more months to work, i'm ok with that.
When John walked in the door with a huge bag and box of all my medication and supplies the reality hit. There are still times I question all of this - but way down deep there is a tiny flicker of hope that I buried so long ago - a hope that I might get to be pregnant, feel a baby inside me. The idea of it astoinishes me. I might get that moment - you know the one in the hospital where you look horrible and everyone comes to see you and tells you how amazing you look and you sit holding your baby and your just beaming. Husband by your side, family all around -and I get to add to that fantasy now - my beautiful son clamoring to get on the bed to see his baby brother or sister and hug his mama. That picture alone brings tears to my eyes. To think I might be blessed with that moment and the all the moments ahead as a family of four - is just too much to hope for right now.
Now - I just want to get through the progesterone shots in the ass without being a big baby.
So the schedule: though I was suppose to start shots March 1 - I put everything off by a few days so that I could still go on my trip to Aspen on March 14. I am spending 4 days with wonderful friends skiing and relaxing - my first time away from Jack for longer than 2 days. I am looking forward to using the time to really prepare myself mentally for this journey ahead. I will sleep, read, relax, ski, drink great wine, meditate and just prepare. Then....
March 8 - Start Lupron
March 18 - First u/s & blood - if everything looks good - start Gonal (stimulating drug)
March 22 - Check up u/s - adjust meds if necessary
March 25-April 1 - Retrieval
3-5 days later - Transfer
We will know by Easter this first time if we are pregnant or not. New year of fertility, new life, new chances....